I turned forty a couple of weeks ago and I should have written a post on the full-court press of my mid-life crises, sort of the way I did last year.  But last year I was still in my 30’s and it may not have seemed so cheap and desperate.

What a difference a year makes.

I understand why people buy fast cars and cases full of Rogaine when they get to this age.  See, when you are young you just don’t get it. You live life with little self-reflection and move at a break neck speed. When you reach this point, the true mid point of life, the refrain in your head is “holy fuck, what was I doing?” and the second-guessing begins.  Yes, even those of us with blogs approved by the ABA experience moments, perhaps even days and weeks of self-doubt. I’ve been dealing with some of that over the past several weeks. See, despite successes in my personal and professional life, I think we each of us set out to be something more. You know, do something bigger, better and badder. And upon reflection most of us probably don’t think we did that.  So, we content ourselves with looking at the little things, the impact we’ve made on individual lives in order to not actually succumb to the fast cars and the comb overs.

In the past few weeks I have been contemplative over the work I have been able to accomplish in my career.  Last year a client I represented in a murder first trial wrote me to tell me she was pregnant.  Two months ago I received pictures of her beautiful baby’s christening.  She is out of jail and living a productive life. I made that happen. As a fellow criminal defense lawyer friend likes to say, that’s not nothing. But it doesn’t feel like enough.

Two weeks ago I got a conviction reversed for a client who was being held in ICE custody because of a criminal issue. His case was terminated in immigration court because of what I was able to do. Today I got word that another client’s VAWA petition was approved and she is going to get her green card.  Still, there must be more I can do.  It doesn’t feel like enough.

A year or so ago there were many blog posts about what drives us criminal defense lawyers to do what we do. I thought then that it was ego, maybe some desire for the limelight or the constant desire to win.  But if we wanted to win we’d be prosecutors. I think now, that it’s because we are idealistic and naive. I think it’s because we actually believe we can make a difference if we just try a little harder, if we can just think of something different to do for this guy that needs us right now. We keep doing it because no one win is ever enough, no one client success story can make us feel whole. Will a win at SCOTUS make it all right?  I doubt it.  Take a look around, it’s not as if those veterans of our High Court argue there, win and say “fuck it, I’m done now.”  They keep going. I wonder if you ask them if they feel like they’ve done enough if they will tell you the truth – no, there is more. Much, much more to be done. So much more.

We are glass half empty sort of people who still hope that at some point we will be able to fill it up all the way.  It’s not a look-on-the-bright-side bunch that I roll with, but these criminal defense lawyers are certainly willing to take a licking and keep on ticking.  Cynical optimists I call them.

This attorney-client this really is a symbiotic almost Hegelian relationship.  We need them as much as they need us. I don’t mean because we need the business or the money, but that we need to be needed by them. We do the good work because it fills a need we have.  If you ask me what that need is, well, words will fail me because I really haven’t figured that part out yet.  But I know I do this work because I have to. It’s smarmy and self-righteous to say it’s a calling so I laugh and say I do it because I have no other marketable skill.  But I haven’t tried to get any other skills either.  I am simply drawn to it. And there must be some reason for that.

I’ve got maybe another couple of decades of good work left in me.   For now I’m gonna bypass that corvette and I’m a woman with a full head of flowing locks so maybe I can keep that angst at bay for a bit still.  Because right now I’ve got some work to do.