In the wake of Tyler Clementi’s suicide there has been a lot of talk in the media (both commercial and social) about the role of webcams, the lack of civility among today’s youth, bullying, and all kinds of other issues that might have been to blame. Some have questioned our youth’s ability to stand up to one another in the face of homophobia, racism, and other forms of bigotry and intolerance. Rutgers University (full disclosure: I earned my undergrad degree there, and feel particularly moved by this incident) has made it clear that the institution is imperfect and is continually striving toward greater acceptance of marginalized groups – admitting that there are problems on campus. At my current academic home (Penn State), our LGBT community (of which I am a member) is actively looking for ways to address incidents of homophobia here in University Park as well as at our satellite campuses. Clearly, everyone agrees: something has to change, and we cannot afford to wait.
I think this general feeling is on the mark. But I also think it’s important to take a step back and consider a few things.
I didn’t know Mr. Clementi, nor do I know his family. And I wonder: can any of the commentators out there claim to know them? And this, I think, points to one of the most important aspects of this entire tragedy: there are a lot of unknowns, and there are lots of people making lots of statements about what happened without really knowing what was going on. Let’s consider what we do have: the bare facts. Mr. Clementi committed suicide by jumping off the George Washington Bridge after his roommate, Dharun Ravi, posted video of Clementi having what the media repeatedly refers to as a “sexual encounter” with another man without his knowledge or consent. Clementi approached his resident assistant about this, but it seems no immediate action was taken.
There are a lot of assumptions here. The most obvious assumption is that Clementi ended his life because of the videos. Less obvious, but perhaps more striking is this: we assume Clementi was gay.
You’re probably yelling at your monitor right now. How could an out lesbian – someone who discovered and came to terms with her own sexuality 16 years ago at the very same university as Clementi – possibly, for one minute, question that he was gay? Why on earth would she even ask this question? Here’s why: we simply don’t know. The Star Ledger reports that very few other students actually knew Clementi. To the best of my knowledge, there’s no indication that he was out to himself, to his family, or to anyone – no indication that he was doing anything more than questioning or exploring his sexuality.
This is incredibly important. In fact, I would argue that this is the most important aspect of the entire story, and here’s why: the moment when a person begins to question his or her sexuality is one of the most vulnerable moments he or she will ever know. Once a person has come to a conclusion about his or her sexuality, once a person is in effect out, there’s a community ready and waiting. And while nationwide the queer community is fighting legal battles to protect us from discrimination in jobs, to allow us to legally marry, to allow us to adopt children, these national battles are being fought for people who are already out. There are no allowances, no protections for those who are just beginning to learn about themselves, for those who are questioning, for those who are truly vulnerable.
Twenty or thirty years ago, those who were questioning, exploring, and experimenting had the ability to maintain their privacy. Not just because the technology we’re pointing our fingers at now didn’t exist then, but because there was a clearer sense of where the line between public and private actually was. New technologies are changing this, yes, but technology doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Two or three decades ago, the US still had an interest in manufacturing and industry. Today our economy – and our lives – revolve around the ready availability of, and access to, information. What has happened around this is that our ideas about public and private have shifted. Slowly, we’ve allowed the private to become public. The famous feminist mantra – the personal is political – is an example of this shift in thinking.
Now, I’m not saying this is always a bad shift. The dissolution of the boundary between personal and political, or more broadly between public and private, is what has made it possible for us to gain some of those important protections. But it’s a double-edge sword, and Clementi’s suicide – in the wake of an incident where the private was made public without his consent – is a clear reminder that we are living in very confusing, very unsafe times for youth who are questioning their sexuality or gender identity.
In an era when great political strides are being made, the backlash against them is equally great. Don’t believe me? Spend some time browsing the website of the American Family Association – or better yet, sign up for their email list. But what it comes down to is this: standing up for one’s rights is easy when that person knows who s/he is. It’s not so easy when one hasn’t figured that out yet. If we want to prevent more suicides, if we really want to nurture and protect and welcome people into the queer community, we have to make a space that’s safe not just for those who know who they are, but for those who aren’t sure yet.
Very nice, thoughtful post. Thank you.
It seems to me you are missing the point. A person, gay or otherwise, may "know who he is" perfectly well and yet feel the need to conceal it. As long as there are busybody family members, bosses, landlords, and the like around, the mere fact that a kind of behavior (or, if you prefer, cultural identity) isn't dishonorable doesn't mean that the individual doesn't need, or shouldn't want, to hide it.
The choice must be his. This needs to be recognized as a human right. Otherwise, so long as there is one bigoted busybody at large in the world, we all might as well be living in Iran.
We have a long way to go before it's perfectly safe for absolutely anyone to be different. But we need to get there, and get there in spite of the fact that a few bigots will always exist.
Great post, Crista. It's a damn shame that this is still happening after so long. I have to wonder, however, if this technology and freely exchanged information has also helped the cause. Surely the ability of these young individuals having to confront such a huge fact without help from friends and family could be aided by the ability to identify with others online if they can't do so in person. Yet. I wonder if, of the individuals who have been harmed by this technology (coupled with society's evils), even more have been helped.