It is the first day full day of the 39th year of my life. I was thinking I would write an angst filled post about the unexpected twists and turns my life has taken, how chaos has been the rule rather than the exception, and making a list of regrets and laments.
But, what would be the point?
I believe in kismet. I do. It might be the fool’s way out of taking responsibility for poor forethought and bad decisions, but when I look at the crooked, cracked and pothole filled path that got me to this little square office in Takoma Park with two kids and a mortgage – well, I don’t know how it could be any other way. Listen, I’m not saying it’s all good. If I said that it would be an outright lie. It’s not been all good. If you go back to this blog in 2006 you will read some things that I am shocked I wrote about. I exposed parts of me that probably should have remained behind closed doors. In my 39 years plus one day, I have had a series of life lessons that I could have probably done without. I have seen family and friends suffer at at the hands of our justice system in ways I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Marriages have disintegrated – poof – right before my very eyes. Children have been born and died. Children have been wanted and not had. In 39 years plus one day my heart has been broken and put back together so many times that I wonder how it still keeps on beating.
But it does. And it feels good and strong and ready to fight another day.
And, really, fight we must. Each day (when my head isn’t up my ass) I make the rounds of the blogs over there on the right. It is, indeed, the choir. They all have a similar opinion on most matters and we have a nice time discussing the day’s issues and nodding our heads in agreement with each other. Yes, there is grave injustice in that case. Yes, the judge was horribly mistaken. Yes, we are brave and strong warriors. We pat each other on the back for fighting the MAN. Go us! And the fight feels so good that we then resort to fighting each other. Our hearts beat good and strong and the fight is in us. We are only following our natural instincts. Is there any other way?
I have been asking questions and contemplating things. I write this blog, see. Some have called it ‘crappy’ others have said I spend too much time doing what I am doing right now, naval gazing and blathering on. Others are fond of the self-reflection and the stories. I have been accused of being too nice, or being a hatchet man, of being too lawyerly or not lawyerly enough. I have been told I have a responsibility when I write and I have rejected that notion. To whom am I responsible? Who could possibly take what I say that seriously? Or take it and misinterpret it to mean something other than what the words mean in their ordinary use? It is just words written by a now 39 year old lawyer turned stay at home mom turned returning lawyer. I would expect that people would take what I write in the spirit it is intended.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is a responsibility. Maybe people don’t know what the spirit that is intended is. The bloggers on the right say big, deep, meaningful and important things. Most of them have been at this criminal defense thing for a very, very long time. A few are new and trying to learn. I am. Both.
So, I don’t always write about big, deep, meaningful and important things because, at 39 years and 1 day I am still trying to figure out where I stand. I have been at this law thing since 1997. That is not a short amount of time. But I was at home for two years. And while I thought that my skills as a trial lawyer would be a huge asset, and dammit, it was only TWO YEARS. I was wrong. To those women who think they will simply scurry back to the workplace once they are done raising their children let me tell you this – you will be devastated to find that it does not work like that. The world does not wait for you while you wipe noses and raise men. It does not care that you baked banana nut muffins from scratch or got the kids to their activities on time. The world wants to know who you have defended and when you had your last trial. The world wants to know where you were and why you left it.
So here is the fatalistic portion of this post, the part where I tell you that it is kismet that got me back here. Kismet that led me back to the arms of the law. It is kismet that will define where all of this ends up. I do hope,though, that I have another 39 years and 1 day before I find out.
You go girl! Don't let them tell you what to do or write or say or think. You just keep on keeping on. (I just wanted to pre-empt the forthcoming comments I expect to see here).
Welcome to 39, now go write something important.
That's the plan.
F@ck 'em all, metaphorically speaking, if they can't bear your yoke
We (or at least I) read your blog because you have a voice and a presence that enriches my life. That's no small thing. I count on you to keep it up. For however many of the next 39 years I'm still alive.
You go, Mirriam.
And happy birthday.
I was trying to think of a comment that would capture the flavor of your deeply empathetic and metacognitive post, but then something shiny caught my eye and
No doubt many very astute lawyers and close friends will offer their deep thoughts on whatever it is this post is about.
And since I wished you happy birthday yesterday, I have no intention of doing so again today.
I know, I know, the 'happysphere' where everyone only says stuff that everyone else wants to hear and pats each other on the back. It can't actually be genuine, can it? What if – and this is a big if – there are people who actually get what this post is about and agree. Or, perhaps they should disagree merely for the sake of pointing out that it can be disagreed with.
This post is just an honest attempt to say I don't know what the fuck is going on. A lot of the time. I know some law stuff. And I know some human stuff. But the combination of the two is getting me a bit off balance.
I am comforted by the fact that you, SHG, in particular, are tireless in your attempt to educate those that, quite frankly, I think are unteachable. I don't know if I could do it as well, and without just being completely frustrated in the process.
And I too am frequently distracted by shiny objects. And lip gloss.
I think it is genuine for some. Others use it for self-aggrandizement, and still others use it to hide their failings. But I don't think it's particularly helpful. Even as a substitute for low self-esteem, it's a false sense of worthiness.
You test yourself in the trenches. You don't need to have all the answers. I certainly don't, but I won't let that stop me from trying and learning. And it's definitely not worth my time to sit around and whine about it. Better to light a candle than curse the darkness.
Lip gloss? I thought you were all about shoes?
Deeply disappointed to not see even a single mention of Twitter (and all those happy birthday tweets).
Next year you're only getting a Facebook message. No tweet.
Yes. Shoes definitely. But there is something about lip gloss that's been putting a spring in my 4" heeled step these days.
There are teachers a plenty in the blogosphere. For that we should all be grateful. I know I am. Maybe as a woman I can only do this the way I know how, which mixes both my desire to talk about myself with my love of talking about the law, which I have been known to do on occasion.
Venkat,
Bastard.
Scott
That sounds great, M. Please give me a poke when you do so I don't miss it. I would really hate to miss it.
I'm going to fly in the face of Brian's comment and say that THIS sentence:
"The bloggers on the right say big, deep, meaningful and important things."
should read,
"The bloggers on the right say big, deep, meaningful and important things…and then there's this little bull crap brat, Huma, who is a great case for tougher possession laws and single handedly keeps the aluminum foil industry in business what with her love of chasing shiny things."
That being said, I love this blog. And I don't care if you don't think that's a genuine remark or mindless back patting. 😛
Happy birthday once again, Den Mother. I hope I'm as awesome as you are at 39 and 1 day, but I'll probably be guzzling wine and talking to my dead plants by then, so who knows?
I just want to reiterate that you are completely awesome and a great person and this blog is so incredibly awesome and every day you add so much to my life that I just want to continuously tell you how great I think you are and screw all those meanies out there that say otherwise. I am so happy to tell you how neat you are Mirriam.
Oh man. That's EXACTLY what I was just about to say. I can't believe you stole it from me. Dang.
Brian, I don't know if you know this. But I don't need people to tell me how awesome I am. I am fully aware of my awesomeness factor. If people want to publicly acknowledge it, that's great. Who am I to stop them? Why does it bother you if people say nice things. You can say "this post is fucking stupid" and that's fine with me. It doesn't make me feel any less awesome.
People who disagree with me are not necessarily meanies. If you disagree with the fact that if you are a woman and come back to work after two years no one is going to kiss your ass and say awesome, you're hired because you've raised kids, let me know. If you disagree with the fact that I have had a chaotic existence, let me know. If you don't give a shit about my past or what I think except as it relates to the law, let me know. If you can tell me what you think is important, perhaps I'd be able to address your issues.
So, you can continue to just spew your sarcasm, of you can tell me what the problems are.
Sorry for the delay in responding, but I just stopped laughing long enough to do so.
And I just wanted to add that you are just really cool. Count me as a fan.
Hold it. Brian was being sarcastic? Then that isn't what I was going to say at all. I would never do that. I'm a fan too.
Is this the part where I tell you to fuck off?
Tell who to fuck off? Why would you do that? That's just so mean and unbecoming and we need to respect each other and be nice and pump each other up and drown out the negative people around us who are just critical, mean, and mean.
I can't stand all this harsh language. It's making my eyes bleed. I must go now to a place where only sweet and dulcet tones are heard. A better place. A place with unicorns and raindows.
If you hang out here, I'm giving out balloons in a few.
You guys are a HOOT and I love you all! You are all some kind of awesome and I'm so happy to be among you! Mirriam, you appear to be surrounded…..
"It is the first day full day of the 39th year of my life."
Sorry, Mirriam. But you are in your 40th year of life. The first twelve months of your life was year one. Then you had your first birthday, and you were in the second year of life.
Good thing you didn't follow in your dad's footsteps and go to medical school. When you make mistakes like this in blawging, you merely drive away potential clients. In medicine, you would have killed the patient.
yes, because blogging is the same as surgery. I knew my limitations.