The initial premise of this post was going to be that we are lacking in female criminal defense attorneys (in private practice)  around these parts.  I was going to bemoan how female attorneys end up in non-litigation positions and feel more comfortable doing transactional work or estate planning or immigration.  So, I decided to take a poll on the ABA listserv for solo and small firms, SoloSez.  About an hour ago I asked the criminal defense attorneys to holla, and thus far the stats show that of the twenty-one criminal defense attorneys who have proudly called “here”, seven are women.  That’s not too bad, right?  Two of those women strictly do research and writing for other criminal defense attorneys, yet, they consider themselves criminal defense attorneys as well.  Because being a criminal defense attorney is tres cool, so why would you not want to say you are one?  I had lunch with another criminal defense attorney the other day.  His wife is a lawyer too but does some other sort of work, which he, quite explicitly, called boring.  I think he said “if I had to do that work I would shoot myself in the face”.  That’s how criminal lawyers feel about what they do. It’s better than yours.  Your work is boring.  You don’t do criminal?  Oh, you are an estate planner?  How . . . .  .snore. . .
 
What was I saying?  Oh, right.  Female criminal defense attorneys.

I want those seven chicks to be my friends.  I want them to come out and play.  I have, in my mind, fashioned my ideal criminal defense attorney girlfriend and, to further my quest, I am currently recruiting women to join my ranks.  So, here’s my personal ad to all women attorneys in the MD/VA/DC area who are not currently practicing criminal defense (read to the tune of Escape – The Pina Colada Song)

If you like wearing a nice suit, and some heels that don’t hurt.
If you’re not into “guilty”, if you have half a brain.
If you’d like visiting a jail cell to see if the snitch is a fake.
You’re the lady I’ve looked for, come with me and try a case.

I imagine drinks in the District at some chic bar, telling war stories, which we will listen to with rapt attention regardless of the level of experience we have.  Someone who will let me borrow her lipgloss in the courthouse bathroom or honestly tell me that my butt looks big in that suit.  She’ll tell me what fabulous heels are comfortable enough to actually wear all day long and what bag is big enough to hold all my court stuff but still looks good with my petite frame.

She’ll also be killer on cross, write stellar motions and know her way around a habeas.  My dream girl is waiting for me.  She’s out there, I just know she is.

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