In my initial post partum days, when I was certifiably insane, I thought I was ready to have another child as soon as my body bounced back. Luckily for me, it took my body a long time to bounce back (and its till doing a lot of bouncing, but that’s another post for another blog). When I went to my OB for my 6 week checkup I asked him when I would be ready to try to have another baby and he said “It’s not a matter of when you are ready physically, but when you might be ready mentally.” If you are mental, you think you are ready 6 weeks post-partum.

I was not ready. And here I sit, with a much clearer head, thinking I might not ever be ready again. The reality is we have no money for more fertility treatments. IUI’s don’t work for us and IVF is expensive. We have two kids. And kids are expensive. I also don’t think I could put myself through the torment of trying to conceive again, the cycling, the what ifs, the constant letdowns. I look at my body now and I think “look at what this amazing piece of equipment did.” It’s so different from before, when I would look at it and say, “why are you doing this to me? Why don’t you work? Why are you failing me?” I don’t ever want to feel that way again.

I don’t want my children that I have here on this earth, I don’t want them to feel like they don’t matter, that my quest to bear another child is more important than them. I don’t want to stay up nights crying, wondering if the painful breasts and cramps are PMS or early pregnancy symptoms. I don’t want to have crying sex. Never again.

I don’t want to be jealous of other women’s swollen bellies, of large families crammed into mini-vans. I don’t want to sit with friends talking about fertile mucous or temps. I don’t want to do that ever again. I don’t want to have all of my future plans include the caveat “unless I’m pregnant.”

Here’s what I want: I want my old body back. I want to go to the park with my kids. I want
to plan to run a marathon and not worry that I might be pregnant or have treatments. I want to remodel and then sell our house. I want to play with my boys. I want to teach them to wave bye-bye and clap and sing songs. I want to have sex because I love my husband and not because I want to procreate. I want to love my body for what it CAN do instead of what it couldn’t. I want to just be happy for what I have now and not what I think I might have in the future, maybe. I want to learn how to live. Now.