I’ve been thinking about what I’ve been doing with my life and I’ve figured something out, I’m not a lawyer, not really. I mean, its my job, its what I do (did?) for money but I’m not one of them. You know what I’m talking about. THEM. God, the idea of being in a room full of THEM makes me crazy. I realized today that I don’t even have any lawyer friends. I have friends that I went to law school with. Okay, one friend from law school. Otherwise my friends are all, all weirdos. Some are successful weirdos, but generally speaking they are just an odd collection of people who have somehow stumbled into my path and I’ve gathered them up and put them in my apron pocket. I have an apron. It’s pink and lacy. I have a picture of it but I’m not wearing it. The stripper at my bachelorette party is wearing it. Maybe someday when I figure out how this worldwideinterweb thingie works I’ll post it.
Okay, where was I?
So, what am I talking about? Hell if I know. I just know that I haven’t practiced law (well, I went to immigration court on Wednesday in Buffalo but that didn’t really count. That was a waste of time. I flew out there in the morning and was back by 3) I haven’t practiced law in over a month and I don’t miss it. Not at all. I really could not give a shit if I never practiced law again. Now watch, someone will read this (hey, one of you four readers, please don’t hold this against me if I ever come to you looking for a job) and they will say hey, weren’t you the girl with the blog who said she never wanted to practice law again? Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is I’m not qualified to do anything else! Nothing! Not one single damned thing! And being a stripper is out of the question because I’m too old and my parents would kill me. I can’t even get a job working at Borders.
But then you know what people say? Why would you work at Borders if you have a law degree? As if it were that simple. As if I could just snap my fingers and Whooosh! There is my ace job at Borders. Well, first of all, let me tell you that I failed the test they give out on the Borders website. Yes, there is a test and its 37 pages long and asks you things like “I talk a lot: agree, strongly agree, disagree, strongly disagree.” Well, there were some questions like “I like following orders” or some such borders fascist wording and I answered “strongly disagree” because they tell you to be honest and guess what? I haven’t heard from Borders since I applied there three weeks ago. And its the freaking Christmas season! And I’m a fucking lawyer! And I can’t get a job at Borders because I don’t like to follow orders or deal with the public or do what I’m told or anything. Jeezzzzuuuuuuu. . . What is this world coming to where a lawyer can’t get a job in a bookstore?!
And, get this. I’m not going to Afghanistan. Apparently there is a problem with getting heat there during the winter. Well whawhawha. Something about no electricity, wood, oil, whatever. So, that’s out. So now I’m out of work until March (at least) with no low paying retail job to hold me over, in a 670 sq. ft. apartment with the two crap eating dogs and husband who is trying so very hard to keep me sane.
I’m insane. And I’m very tired and I have nothing interesting to say anymore.
*hug* For what it’s worth, we miss you, and we never really thought of you as a lawyer as much as a person who had a job as a lawyer. If that makes any sense.
I still say you ought to write those stories you have floating around in your head. I really liked what i saw, when i saw it.
OHMYGOD. I ALWAYS fail those tests. Always, always, always, since high school. And not just fail, but fail miserably, as the managers of each retail establishment kept pointing out. I thought I was incapable of doing retail work! Then CVS finally hired me and I worked there for 5 years, coming home from breaks on college, and even after college I worked a shift once, the 5 am shift the day after Christmas, and never even got paid for it (damn the man). I’m sure Sears still regrets not hiring me!!! And Service Merchandise went bankrupt! So fuck you corporate assholes!
Sorry about that. I hate those tests. I can totally relate.
As for feeling bad about being in groups of attorneys – I am also the same way. I don’t want to date attorneys, I don’t want to meet more attorneys. When I went to take the MPRE, all I could think about when I walked into the conference center was, “The only thing worse than being around 200 people you go to school with is being around 500 law students you DON’T go to school with.” Tools, all of them. Studying in the hallway LIKE IT WOULD HELP. Asking each other questions right before the exam. Ugh. The fact that you aren’t interested in other attorneys just demonstrates that you have excellent taste in social circles.
Additionally, never worry about appealing to your audience. It’s your goddamn blog. We read it because we like your style and like what you have to say. Keepin it real, sistahfriend.