I’m in my office now and there is a horrible fluttering sound coming from the air conditioner. I’m sure it was there all morning, but I just now noticed it and it’s making me crazy. I can’t even concentrate on the work I am pretending to be doing because all I keep hearing is the vent flaps hitting each other and I want to run out of the office screaming.

I have decided that I really don’t like writing this stuff. I’ve got three blogs now and I’ve never been able to continue writing in them. I’m trying to figure out why it is some people want to write everything about what they do in their lives – professionally. From imapd to publicdefenderdude – they’ve all got interesting things to say about their work and how they perceive it. Then there’s me. I have lots of things that happen, but I don’t know that I can pinpoint any one thing that is more interesting than any other. I hardly ever talk about my work with people outside of work, not even my husband knows what really goes on in my world on a day to day basis. And, I wonder why I’m not more open, why I don’t gush more frequently about my accomplishments or disappointments. Maybe I think people won’t understand? Maybe I’m so tired of talking that at then end of the day all I want is peace and quiet? There is so much noise in this business – talking, yelling, negotiating, whining, crying. That’s just the external sounds. Then there is the intangible noise, the emotional, mental and spiritual white noise that is always there – like the air conditioner above me. It’s so all encompassing that when I leave here all I want to do is put my head under my pillow and drown it all out.

Yesterday was miserable. I had a 16 year old client who is charged with being the ring leader of a robbery on a drunk guy on the street. Her co-defendants are 17 and 14 year old boys. The two boys admitted to having knives during the robbery. My client had a watch that one of the boys took off the guy. The offer was a maximum of two years in State Prison, with no opposition to youthful offender by the DA. She was happy with the deal, since it would leave open the possibility of straight probation, and her record would be sealed. She made it right through to the end of the 30 minute long plea – and then she tanked. The judge asked her what happened and she went into this long story that ended with her being an innocent bystander to the entire robbery. It’s entirely believable, but the judge wasn’t buying it. Its one thing if the judge simply said he couldn’t take a plea if my client was not guilty, but he’d already made up his mind about the case and did not believe my client. Called her a liar and said the deal was off. He said, on the record, that her co-defendant had plead the day before and he believed him and was ‘impressed’ with his testimony. His testimony is a complete fabrication. But, more importantly, the judge said that he was impressed with him! Impressed with a 17 year old kid who admits to holding a knife to a guys throat while robbing him?? Arrrghh!! So, anyway, no plea deal for my client. She is scared to death and has to admit guilt, even though she might not really be guilty. I kept thinking, she is only 16. She is only 16. She is only 16. Its a constant hum, the emotional noise that has no off switch.