The title to this post is not meant to be metaphysical. Hell, I don’t even really know what metaphysical means anymore (even though I was a philosophy major). Anyway, my husband reminded me of a trial I did last year. My client was charged with sodomizing and kidnapping a 14 year old boy. Well, he kidnapped him first then. . . whatever. So, I was cross-examining the sexual assault nurse examiner (a/k/a “sane” nurse) and the prosecutor had this enormous blowup diagram of an asshole. I mean, since it was all scientific it should be called a rectum/anus. It’s this huge diagram and I had asked my dad (who is a surgeon) about the rectum/anus and its workings and what would/could happen if there was the amount of trauma claimed by this kid. I get the nurse on the stand and it was the most beautiful cross-examination ever. You know the feeling when you are sailing right through, she was yessing me on everything. I couldn’t believe it. I’m asking her about the tears in the rectum: “they could have been caused by diarreaha, they could have been caused by constipation, they could have been caused by pushing too hard when having a bowel movement (cut to me doing the pushing face) it could have been caused by cheap toilet paper, its in a normal area on the rectum.” And she’s just like yes, yes, yes, yes. So, then I get her off the stand and I face the audience – the jury. And I get the little pointy stick and ask her about the 6 rectums in the body and how they are like the lining of the mouth and can get red very easily. Then I turn to her and say, in all seriousness: “now nurse, can we agree that in nature, and I mean strictly in nature, the rectum is an exit only?” And she looks at the audience and says “in nature, yes. Its supposed to be an exit only”
then I sat my ass down.
yeah, i killed it. i did.
This is why your stuff isn’t so funny. Blonde Justice is telling stories about drug users, who are inherently funny, as proven by such beloved characters as Cheech and Chong, Spicoli, Jay and Silent Bob, and going back as far as Shaggy.
You, on the other hand, tell stories about kidnappers and rapists. Not a lot of funny there. Rape, as everyone knows, is a serious crime involving terrified victims. Rape isn’t funny. No joking allowed.
Unless it’s prison rape. Then, apparently, it IS funny! Lots of jokes about prison rape!
So, your client rapes someone: Not funny. Your client gets raped in prison: Laugh riot.
(There’s a point in here somewhere, I just know it.)
Love your blawg. Good stuff.
(Actually, the “equal opportunity fucker” story was pretty funny.)
I thought it was funny.
See, I haven’t worked my way up to violent felonies yet. Which means I only get to write about drug cases. Which means I never ever get to write about blowjobs or assholes.
And it also probably means that your page gets more views. Because people find it by searching for blowjobs and assholes or whatnot.
I never thought about it that way, that my blog might come up as some freaky porn site.
I’m really trying to come up with some amusing anectodes. Unfortunately, as I’ve stated over and over again, my clients have not discovered (yet) that their purpose is to amuse the general public via this blog. I will let them know next time I’m at the jail.
I disagree with Mark.
While these things are terrible, I do believe that you can “find the funny” in them. You just have to remove yourself, which is sometimes difficult and that’s why people don’t think they are funny subjects. That’s why we call these “sick jokes”
Whether or not something is “funny” is subjective. Different jokes for different folks. Not Guilty is faced with the task of finding the humor in these things which is tough…and she has more to worry about than knockin’ out some jokes for the blog. Drug jokes are easy, not that I think Blondjustice is less talented or funny, the material is easier to work with.
If we were sitting around and you told me a prison rape joke, I would laugh. If you told me a first hand account of being raped in prison, neither of us would be laughing….I might laugh…but you wouldn’t. Chances are you wouldn’t be sitting down, either.
I don’t know, I really can’t find anything all that funny in my drug cases. I mean, maybe there is something inherently funny in people sticking crack up their asses (no pun intended)or putting superglue on their fingertips to prevent from being fingerprinted, but I think the way blondejustice works it is very, what was it called? kicky. yes, that’s right. kicky.
hence, her great number of blogshares. gotta give up the props for the lady with the big portfolio.
And Mark loves the rape jokes. He said he thought the ‘equal opportunity fucker’ comment was funny. He just feels guilty about it. I understand. Sometimes, I feel guilty too. Just, well, not that often.
Ouch.
I’m not in your line of work, so when you start an article with “My client was charged with sodomizing and kidnapping a 14 year old boy” and go on to a discussion of rectal tears…I’m still reeling from it all by the time I get to the end.
You know, I understand that. I mean, at one point in time I was a normal person too. . .
oh, those good old days.