Here’s the truth – sometimes there is just too much to say. You start and stop and stop and start and then the thoughts come:  If I say this, who will I upset?  Who will disagree and will I have to face the wrath of my friends or family for speaking what I believe.  I probably shouldn’t care, just brush it off, you know Fuck you and all this is who I am and if you don’t like it then I don’t care.  But here’s another truth – I do care what some people think.  I care about what my mom thinks, I care about what my cousins (hey you guys!) who read this blog think to the extent that they may be less willing to share what they think with me when I tell the world what I think.  I care less about what neighbors think about all of this but it does affect me to some extent.

The other day my husband asked if maybe we should put aside our convictions ‘for the sake of the children’ meaning maybe I shouldn’t be so outspoken about issues like gay marriage or, you know, civil rights in general, so that our kids might not be ostracized on the schoolyard and they can be invited over for playdates.

The other day Yacob came home and asked where thunder came from.  Drue gave him an explanation that was all scientific and Yacob accepted it as truth but then said “Alex says God makes thunder” and Drue said “Well, Alex is wrong.”   I’m hoping Alex’s parents know that there is, in fact, a scientific explanation for thunder and were just too tired or lazy or, like me, just didn’t know the answer and don’t really mean that there is no other explanation.  But I think saying things like “Alex is wrong” won’t help them much either.  I mean, they will go to school and tell Alex he is wrong, that god doesn’t make thunder.  Then Alex goes home and tells his parents that we said he is wrong about god making thunder and then our Y’s don’t get to go to the sleepover.  So you know, I write a post about gay marriage and how I think if you oppose gay marriage you are a tool and then some folks that I’m friends with on facebook read it and then think I think they are a tool because they think gay marriage is wrong (I actually might think you are a tool but that doesn’t mean I won’t talk to you and maybe try to convert you to my way of thinking) and then my kids aren’t playing with your kids because you are against gay marriage and I am for it.  Part of me is terribly traumatized by that fact that my children will be affected by the things I believe. But how could I ever have thought it would be any other way? I am, indeed, naive to my very core.

Anyway, as you can see, Drue and I agreed that there was no way we were going to back off because that would mean not teaching them the things that they need to be taught.  And, you readers know that there are lots of things that need to be taught if you are going to have kids that aren’t douchebags.  And the only rule for my boys is that they not grow up to be douchebags.  They might be gay or blue collar or fancy English professors, really none of that matters as long as they are thoughtful and kind when it is appropriate and fundamentally non-douchey.

And so, as you can see (that’s a lie, there is no way you can tell where this post is headed), this is just another long introduction into another post about the death penalty which is really a post about religion and hate and vengeance and what we tell our children about all of this.

Last we met we talked about the clapping for the death penalty and I acted like it was so shocking to me that that could happen and people could be so in favor of it – WHAT? There are people who want people to die? How could that be? Gasp. This is, in fact, an untruth. I was, for a good portion of my life, in favor of the death penalty.  If you ask me why I cannot tell you.  I’m sure I spouted off the same nonsense as everyone else and I have to tell you I can’t even type it because it sounds so dumb and I have a hard time thinking that I believed it because it doesn’t make any sense. I thought what?  That we could prevent people from killing people if we killed them?  We know that is a myth, there is no deterrent value in capital punishment. Was my argument that we kill people because it is the ultimate punishment? That seems terribly simplistic and, and, uhhhh.   Hmmmm.   Help me out here.  Wait, I got it – We kill people to show that human life – ALL human life – has value.  Yes, that must be it.  What could be more valuable than a human life? And if someone takes that life we must show them  that they really, really shouldn’t have done that. Wait, that doesn’t make sense, does it? I mean, they are dead so it’s not like the lesson is for them. Is the lesson for everyone else? Like, hey you, life is really important unless you kill someone in which case your life isn’t important anymore and we take it from you because you have forfeited it. I suppose that makes sense if you believe falliable humans should be left to make such decisions such as, you know, life having no value. I don’t buy it though. There is a fundamental flaw with the argument that we take life to prove the sanctity of all life – except the life of the person we kill.

We kill people not to show that we love humanity. We kill because we are a vengenful, terrible lot. We kill because we believe that our god justifies it and, as John Grisham said when he accepted the Harper Lee prize just a few months ago, because we hear it from the pulpit and in our communities.

I’ve been doing a bit of research about religious teachings on the death penalty and have been shocked to see that almost every organized religion favors it in some form or fashion. I’ve written before on my own crises of faith and giving up the last remnants of the religion in which I was raised because of my inability to reconcile what I know to be good and true and, quite honestly, with how I behave, with the dogma of the faith. I could not make excuses for the fact that the text supports beating wives, stoning adulterers, or giving women’s testimony less value than that of a man’s.  I could ignore those things and talk about what a good, faithful Muslim I am in my heart while sipping a Martini and going to work in a skirt. These are the trappings of religion. And religion, these days, seems so terribly devoid of the god on which it was originally based that I simply cannot find it terribly useful except to the extent that it provides a cultural framework for my family.  And so, for the most part, I have chosen not to pretend to follow the doctrines any longer. I do not fast, I do not pray. I do not dismiss the notion of a higher power and the wonderment of all that is around me. But I will not cover my hair or believe that god has decreed that man has the power to take another man’s life.

And here is yet another thing.  When my parents talk about killing people who do bad things, they talk about people being drawn and quartered.  There is no concern for the last meal of the condemned, no worry about whether he suffers by using drugs that would ‘hurt’ or that are used on animals.  The goal is to inflict pain and suffering so that in their last moments they can regret what they’ve done.  Here, in this ‘civilized’ country, we strap people down onto a gurney and treat it like some routine medical event. As opposed to an execution, a murder.   When my parents and people from Afghanistan talk about the death penalty, the root of the act comes through – our hearts are hurting and we want you to pay for what you’ve done.  There is honesty in their beliefs, there is no cloaking it in words like ‘justice’ or ‘due process’ or ‘rights’ it is what it is, a childish and vindictive act. Nothing more, nothing less.

If only we were so brave here to admit that our desire is nothing more than bloodlust. We want them to die for the pain inflicted on us despite how wrong it is.

So, how, my friends, do we change this thing? How do we stem the tide and how do we change the minds of our friends and family who insist that the death penalty is god approved, that is is good and just and righteous?  So much of the time we are preaching to the choir. I know most of the folks who read this blog will agree that capital punishment is bad.  After all, birds of a feather and whatnot. But how do I change the mind of the other parents on the playground who are teaching their children that capital punishment is okay because in order to stop this crazy train that’s what we need to do. We need to make sure those baby boys and girls who think that the only explanation for thunder is that God made it don’t believe that their god wants them to kill people.  We have to make them believe that all human life is valuable regardless of the terrible things we humans might do, that if we value the breath of the best of us we must value the breath of the worst of us. If the option is having my kids be invited to birthday parties or having them believe – truly believe- in the sanctity of human life, well, we all know what gets picked, right?