My dog, Sappho, is now 12 years old and she needs Depends. Yesterday we came home from going somewhere, I forgot where now. Oh, right. I went to the gym and then went to Macy’s to buy Xmas gifts for the Xtian part of the family and I ended up buying myself a dress with lime green crinoline underneath it (soooo cute!) and when I got home Sappho had not only peed on the floor, but had made massive runny poops on it too. Not only did she make massive runny poops, but she had tried to eat it to cover up the fact that she had crapped EVERYWHERE. I mean, I appreciate her effort in trying to clean it up, but there is no way one dog could eat all that crap.

We’ve been aware of her incontinence problem for a while so we bought her these puppy training pads to put down on the floor. They have some sort of scent that attracts the dog and then they go on it instead of on the floor. You put the pad in this plastic frame and its supposed to hold it in place and keep the dog from eating it. Well, they didn’t think about the powers of Super Sappho. She chewed right through it. Tore that plastic puppy pad to shreds trying to get at that crap. She devoured not only the poop, but half of the padding as well. God, it was so gross. Then she pooped some more and there were bits of padding in her poop. (how many times can I write poop in this post?)

One day when we still lived in that little town in upstate New York I was hanging out with some friends and all of a sudden one of them yelled out “oh my GOD!! What is hanging out of Sappho’s ass??” I looked over and Sappho was dragging this yellow plastic thing around behind her. When I went over to look closer I realized it was part of a plastic grocery bag. Actually, it was the handle part of the grocery bag. She had eaten it and she was trying to poop it out. Guess what? It didn’t come out. So I had to grab the handle and yank it out of her ass.

Then I went back to court and slapped down the man. Oh, good times. . . .