My husband is an aspiring stand up comedian. What this means is that he writes stuff down and then when I’m drunk he has me read it because when I’m drunk I think everything is funny. However, my husband the comedian cannot stand being teased. I mean absolutely cannot stand it to the point where he gets defensive and pouty and says things like “well, you once dated a guy who looked like skeletor” and “at least I didn’t have to wear braces for 8 years.” (yes, 8 years) Well, you understand.
Example of husband crying about being teased:
When he and I first got together, he thought he could win my sympathy by telling me about a girl he had dated in high school or early college. He told me how they were madly in love, how much his parents loved her, blah blah blah. They dated off and on and ended up going to school far away from each other and they decided they should start dating other people. Well, she started dating this guy and then one night called husband and told him about the guy and how he had asked her to marry him and she didn’t know what to say to him. Well, I know husband was hinting (because he is so subtle) that he could have said “oh no! Don’t do it! But I love you!” But, alas, he was so concerned with her happiness (or it never really happened) that he told her, if he makes you happy go for it. So, she did. A week later she called him back and told him she was getting married. And he, husband was devastated. And his mother cried. It was this long, drawn out sob story complete with a long walk in the dark and I’m sure there was a Bryan Adams song playing in the background.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago we were at his parents’ house (his parents starve us, by the way. But that’s a post for another day) and I finally told him that I thought the whole story about Julie (that was her name) was made up to draw out my sympathy and to make him appear vulnerable. I mean, I think they might have dated, but I don’t really believe the whole mother crying, long walk in the rain with the theme from Robin Hood business because (1) there are no pictures of her in any album anywhere (2) his mother has never mentioned her, not even to say “Whatever happened to Julie? Do you think she knows you got married?” and (3) his sister has no idea who this person is.
I don’t believe that his mother, the high school gossip hound would not have mentioned someone that she had actually cried about. I told him that I truly did not believe that part. He responded by saying she probably hadn’t cried, but was visibly upset. I asked “was she shaking, sighing? Was she leaning against the wall, having difficulty standing up? Did she yell out for Jehovah?” Then I dropped the big bomb: I said “you probably bumped into her in the hall in highschool and considered that dating” OHHHHH!!! BURN! He said “you don’t even know what you are talking about. We didn’t even go to the same school.” Which was follow by my witty rejoinder “where did she go to school, Canada?” and he said “At least Canada doesn’t have George Bush for president” and “You are such a jerk.”
Okay, well, he got me there. Where was I to go with that? I was beat, hands down. Anyway, the whole thing got really out of hand and he finally broke down and said he couldn’t stand being teased. Come on buddy! You’re a comedian! Your life’s work is to take other people’s most vulnerable traits and laugh at them! Sheesh. It’s truly a case of dishing and not taking. Well, here is his idea of dishing:
As I stated in my last post, I’m having some real issues with my weight these days. My husband has been very supportive and always tells me I look great, etc. But, every once in a while he’ll make a joke (Q: Do I look fat? A: Ummm. . . turn around, let me see you from that other angle. Crazy response from now crazed wife: WHAT THE FUCK?! A: NO!! OF COURSE NOT! I WAS KIDDING!) It’s never funny. Not ever. Never Ever
Yesterday we were going to make a video for my in-laws to show them how great our neighborhood is and take them on a walking tour of the sights around Mt. Vernon. I took a shower and put on some makeup and I asked him before we left “Do I look fat?” Now, the camera adds some poundage and husband’s sister is a marathon runner and well, everyone in his family is thin so as the hostess of the video I wanted to make sure I didn’t look like the stay puft marshmallow womyn. Anyway, he answers correctly and off we go. We stand outside our apartment building and I’m all excited and planning my introduction and he is looking at the video screen for the camera and all of a sudden he makes a face like a grimacey type face and looks and me and says “ohhhhh, I don’t know. Do you think you look okay?” And turns the screen towards me so I can look at it and the whole gist was “haha, you DO look fat! Isn’t that funny!??!!!”
NO. It’s not funny. Ever. Never ever ever ever.
Rule 1: Calling people fat as a joke is not funny. Even if they are twig-like skinny. Even if they are Mo on the Biggest Loser fat. Not funny ever.
2. If you can’t take teasing about a girl you sort of might have dated but probably really didn’t date in high school than you should not make jokes about other people.
3. If you call your wife/girlfriend/partner fat in any sort of joking manner you have to become her slave for three days. That is 3 24 hour days. If you screw up being the slave by (a) talking back (b) reinventing how the whole episode went down or (3) defending what you said you then have an additional 24 hours for each offense. I’ve found this to be the most reasonable and logical step because “I’m sorry” is not enough. Jewelry is not enough. A brand new fancy Henkels Japanese chef’s knife is not enough.
Only joyfully provided servitude is enough.
I’ll let you know how things progress.
I know your husband personally and I can not believe he would do something like this! Yet, I am not too surprised.
I will agree that he is very strange and has a sick / strange sense of humor, so he might have thought this was initially funny. This does not excuse him hurting your feelings, he should know better by now. I have seen him make grossly inappropriate jokes and it can be an uncomfortable scene.
Secondly, he can sometimes be, well, let’s be honest, an idiot. Which is why he needs your influence in his life so badly…and trust me, he loves and appreciates you very much.
Okay, as a woman who is not fat, I have to ask, why ask the question, “do I look fat” if you have a problem with the answer? I mean, if you want him to say no, why ask it? If I ask it, it’s because I want to know if I look fat even though I’m not, and if the answer is yes, I’ll change, or work on my diet, or drink more water.
Sigh. I never understood that question. It may be the one area where I’m a little sympathetic with men. I mean, how do you think they would feel if they asked us, “do you think I have a big dick?” and we said, “no, not really.” If they ask, they want to hear yes, but they really know the answer, so why ask?
I think it depends on just HOW fat you have become. If you are huge, you simply should not ask. But if you are borderline, it’s a legitimate question – but you should be prepared for a legitimate response. Of course, as a guy, the concept of certain pants making you look fat seems rather absurd. It always seemed to me that if your arse looks fat, it is probably due to the lard you are storing in the area of your buttocks which is causing the “illusion” of fatness. The pants can only add maybe a millimeter or two of additional girth, at worst. Unless you are wearings pants with a giant fat ass painted on them, I suppose. But that look went out in the late 80s, so this probably is not the issue.
The correct answer to “Do I look fat?” even if it is followed with “in these pants” is always “NO.” It just is. Women put up with a lot of dumb boy stuff in our life, they should just let us have this one thing.