And herein is a post filled with naval gazing and fluffy kittens, philosophical thoughts and deep musings.  Or, it’s nothing more than a chance for me to tell you that my grandmother died last week.  It is the natural cycle of life.  She was 82 and in steadily declining health.  She lived to see great-great grandchildren and when her eyes were open last – on Saturday the 19th, she called out to my blue eyed boy – ‘the civilized one’ she called him.  She didn’t recognize who I was, but knew that the Ensure I was feeding her with a straw was not her usual blue topped lowfat milk.  She laughed at how many kids her step-son had (“he has 10! 10!” He really only has 6″) and she did not want to be taken to the hospital.

She went against her will on Sunday morning.  My Yonas said “look mommy, fire truck!”  It was 8 am and if you know little boys, you know their fascination with all motor vehicles with sirens and lights.  We live six houses away from my mother, where my grandmother was staying, and when we saw the fire and ambulance turn into the street we knew what it was for.  I had the forethought to brush my teeth and put on a bra and I ran up the hill.  The paramedics were in the living room, my grandmother was non-responsive.  My mother was being asked questions and instead of answering she was telling stories.  I took over.

Three days later, my mother and her sisters decided to remove the support that was keeping my sweet grandmother alive.  She left the earth in 30 minutes.  I zipped her into the body bag.  I cried more on Tuesday when she would open her eyes and try to remove the breathing tube than I did when I kissed her cold forehead and zipped her into that bag. 

And now I am a grown up.  At 40 years old.  I made decisions and I planned.  I thought about what we needed to do and how it should be done.  I looked at my great big, crazy family and realized that there really is nothing more precious than a couple of kids, an amazing husband and a room full of cousins.  The cream rose to the top – people who don’t know me from Eve called or wrote or sent private messages.  Other people were largely absent, caught up in their own lives with no time for the tragedy occurring in mine.

I am not religious.  And, I’ve found that religion does not really help allay grief.  It still comes fast and furious.  Those who have religion and dogma and rules have not been saved from it so I don’t think, right now, that not being religious puts me at any disadvantage when it comes to this whole dealing with death thing.  And, honestly, I’m not a big crier.  In fact, I’ve got a problem with feelings overall.  I mean, I have them but they aren’t on the surface and, to be honest, I never feel as if I’m entitled to the crying part.  I mean, what’s it for anyway?  I’ve certainly had my moments, and it’s hardest to watch my mother break down – she is the oldest daughter.  But generally I haven’t really given in to the heart break that I feel.

My lack of religion has made me feel like I’m at loose ends though, I will admit.  So, I’ve been search for words and meaning and enlightenment and you know, all  that other crap that you look for when people die.  And I’ve found it in poetry.  Now, I’m not going to lie and tell you that it doesn’t make me feel totally pretentious to carry around a poetry anthology so for that I’m eternally grateful to my Kindle.  I can read words that heal my heart while people think I’m doing my word scramble.  I can tell why people read the Bible or the Quran or the Baghvad Gita, because it is all poetry (to them, not to me.)  In these past few days I have been reciting this poem over and over and over again.  So, this post is totally meaningless.  It is written for no reason other than I felt like it.  Maybe the same reason why EE Cummings wrote this poem:

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
 

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)