I almost always vote. I mean, there have been a couple of mid-term elections or local ones I may have missed but generally speaking, I always vote. I mean, I am an American by choice. Well, not really my choice, but my parents chose it and I think they are pretty smart people and so if they chose for me to be an American then, dammit, I am going to be the best American I can be.

So I vote.

I answer polls too. I probably contribute to the 4 point margin of error. Someday I would like to get one of those Nielsen boxes to rate what I watch on tv. But I guess at this point I am too old, too brown and too female for the advertisers to really care about what I like to watch. And do they even have that anymore what with the Netflix and Hudu or Vudoo or whatever?

In case you lived under a rock with bad cell reception, there’s an election coming up IN ALMOST A YEAR. A year. And everyone is scrambling and has been for almost A YEAR to figure out who will be our new Commander In Chief. Our new master of the universe or the free world. A FUCKING YEAR.

Do you know how many things change in a year? People who had zero children in January could have one by the end of that year. A baby will learn to walk (unless it’s slow, in which case, patience, all kids develop at their own pace.) Your business could increase a thousandfold, or fail tragically. The Dow could drop and rise by hundreds of points in a day a hundred times over.

You could die.

Listen, do you even really think it matters who your president is? I know so many people who are so thrilled with our current POTUS. You know what? He may not be the worst president ever, but he certainly isn’t my favorite. He hasn’t done any of the things he promised. Gitmo is still open, healthcare is a mess with so many people paying increased premiums or losing great health plans they had before, and people are being deported in huge numbers. Civil liberties have been slashed and the trend will continue. He’s pardoned less people than turkeys and his call for an increase in clemency is a joke. There’s our constitutional law scholar for you. There’s our raised by a single mom black man for you. Oh please. Do not even start with me about how people don’t like him because he is a black man. I don’t like him because he generally has not given a shit about other black men. How do I know? Read this blog. You’ll see.

But you know what? This post isn’t about our POTUS. It’s about how it really doesn’t matter who it is. Truly. It’s a job for a figurehead. Like the Queen but with less bling and not as cute a hand wave.

Let’s walk through the ones I’ve been sort of paying attention to and give you my take.

Hilary Clinton

Well, we know she is probably going to get the Democratic party nod. I’ve never been a fan of hers. I mean, ever. Not in New York and not now. I think she is a panderer and a politician through and through. She’s also the original destroyer of healthcare. And, she’s never governed anything before. I didn’t think this mattered so much before Obama, but now I do.  I think that maybe because she is a woman she’d be better at multi-tasking (just the truth, guys, we are better at it.) But I don’t think she’s right for us. I know there are plenty of women out there who would be fantastic as our Supreme Leader. But it isn’t her. Although I do think she’s fun on twitter and I like that she tries to connect with ‘the people.’  Also, she is pro death penalty and really light on criminal justice reform, which are another two strikes against her.  These things matter to me.

Bernie Sanders

He is, in the words of a dear friend of mine, an ‘ideas man.’ He has great ideas. I mean, it would be awesome if we would be willing to pay a 55% tax and get everything paid for us by the government. I don’t know that I would mind that sort of socialism. I think right now we are pissed at paying taxes because we don’t feel we get much for it. I know as a small business owner I feel that way. Woot! I get to pay lots of taxes! And the more money I make without becoming a billionaire, the more I get to pay. And in exchange I get. . . yeah, that part is hard. But hey, it is what it is. What I would like to know about Bernie though is, how are we going to pay for all these programs? Is there a secret stash of money somewhere that we don’t know about? I know loads of people are unhappy about his pro-second amendment stance. But I like him for that. Wanting to take care of those on the margins of society and liking the right to bear arms are not mutually exclusive things. Also, he needs to not yell so much. It really isn’t in keeping with the look of POTUS. And if POTUS is a figurehead we need him to learn to settle down. He wouldn’t be terrible and I think he is pretty honest, which is strange in a politician. But I think if he gets nominated then we will really need a big get out the vote push on the dem side since he is a little bit way out there.

Martin O’Malley

I thought he’d get some play. But apparently he’s a no-go. He has governing experience and made some ok strides in Maryland, but has been fizzling out. And he’s super white and Irish and that isn’t really ‘in’ anymore.

Donald Trump

Truth – I’ve always been a fan of Donald Trump. He worked hard and didn’t take any bullshit. He pushed people to do better and be better. Which is why his current incarnation is such a disappointment. We stay at your casinos Donald. Stop being such a dickwad to us. I thought he’d lost his mind a couple of years ago when he started saying really outlandish things. And, it was about that time that someone said he might be running for president. I totally laughed it off I mean, maybe when he wasn’t such a nutjob, but when he became a loose cannon just saying whatever stuff came into his head? You know who the Donald reminds me of now? You ever hear the comedian David Cross do his bit about watching a redneck fight in a redneck bar? If you haven’t, listen to it here. That’s what Donald Trump is like. He may have some good ideas, but no one will listen to him because he sounds crazy. The good thing about Trump is that he is making people pay attention. But I wish he’d have made them pay attention a little closer to the primaries and not so early.

Ted Cruz

I know nothing about him. He looks like Brian Tannebaum. That’s all I know. I think at least one of his parents is foreign. That should make me like him but the twitter makes me think I probably wouldn’t like him. But who knows. He may evolve. After all, he has A WHOLE GOD DAMNED YEAR.

Bobby Jindal

I know he dropped out, but man, this guy is something else.  I think he is everything America is not. His desire to assimilate overwhelmed everything he came to the world with and that’s not who we are. Do I think everyone who is in America should speak English? Yup. Did I have a Christmas tree growing up in my muslim household? Yup. But I didn’t change my name and I am not ashamed of where I came from. Clearly, Jindal was one of those kids who wished his name was, um, Bobby. Don’t get me wrong, I used to wish my name was Jennifer or Tiffany (yes, it’s true. I LOVED the name Tiffany.) I thought my life would be so much more normal if I had a normal name a small nose and white skin. And you know, it’s true, it would be. But I am not small nosed and white but I love everything I bring to the table. And Bobby Jindal is a self-hating American. He should actually be disqualified from running for POTUS.

So there you have it. My rundown of the presidential contenders. To sum it up, they all suck.