Folks, it is time to have an honest discussion about this topic. I know we’ve had this fireside chat before but it seems we’ve forgotten what this word means and how it works. Let’s start with the basics.

Merriam-Webster defines the word ‘tolerate’ this way:

to allow (something that is bad, unpleasant, etc.) to exist, happen, or be done

: to experience (something harmful or unpleasant) without being harmed

: to accept the feelings, behavior, or beliefs of (someone)

The third definition is complete bullshit and is put there because well, some people believe that’s what they mean when they say tolerate. But it’s not. If you tolerate something you do not accept it. You put up with it. Read the entire entry for this word and you will see that to be true. If you mean acceptance, use acceptance. If you mean put up with or withstand despite how much it sucks, use tolerance.

I am not asking you to be tolerant of my beliefs about certain things. Gay marriage and equal rights generally. I don’t want you to put up with it even though it is unpleasant. I want you to incorporate it into your being and accept it.

If you mean acceptance, say it.

If you mean tolerance, then say it. I will know what side you are on. It makes it easier for all of us to know what you mean. Words have meanings. Sometimes they have multiple meanings. It is helpful to know which thing you mean.

Here’s the thing about tolerance, sometimes you have to do it. I have to tolerate extensive delays in court during morning cattle calls (Andy S, you hear me on this don’t you?) I have to tolerate opposing counsel and their annoying ways (you know who you are.) I have to tolerate the terrible food some people make for me out of love and a desire to nurture (no, not you.)

I have to tolerate the existence of some people that I find to be repugnant but I do not have to tolerate their morally repugnant views on equal rights.

Look, you are probably thinking “I’m a good person. I don’t want gay people to die or anything. I just think God invented marriage and it is between a man and a woman.” You know what? Good for you and your belief. I happen to think religion should go by the wayside and I am stunned that people actually believe Adam and Eve were real people (did they ride dinosaurs?) but hey, that’s you. You can think whatever you want and so can I. It is when you start to prevent people from having the things that you have based on your belief that we come to a serious impasse.

What if I think people who are brainwashed by religion should not get married because they should not reproduce? What if I believe this because I see the harm religion does to people and that it creates a divisiveness in our society that doesn’t exist in societies that are not religious? What if I give you studies that I’ve commissioned that prove this to you? What if I lobby the government to make sure religious people can’t get married and can’t reproduce? What if I am an OB/Gyn and I refuse to provide service to religious women and I advise abortion or adoption to pregnant religious women? What if I am a court clerk and I refuse to issue marriage licenses to people who I think are religious?

It is probably difficult to imagine such a world especially with our first amendment and all. After all the constitution says you are allowed to practice your religion free from interference from the government. If I can accept that our society functions that way, and that even people I have to tolerate get to fully participate, why can’t people on the other side? Why can’t there be full acceptance of the rights that are bestowed upon each and every American whether they are black or white (did you forget that part already) gay or straight or Chinese or muslim? Why must it simply be ‘tolerated.’ Man this unpleasant equal rights thing that just sucks major ass. Guess I just gotta put up with it.

I know it is hard to give up something that you thought belonged solely to you. It made your thing special. Whites in segregated America had a  hard time with integration because it meant they weren’t as special as they thought they were. Their god given right to lord over everyone who wasn’t white. I get it. When you are king of the mountain it’s hard to have co-kings, or to just give up the title all together. God did not make you special because he (if he exists) made you straight. He didn’t give you special gifts like extra arms or an eye in the back of your head. He gave you the parts he gave everyone else and that’s it. Your specialness is made up. A lot of your ancestors made it up to justify slavery and look how that turned out.

So let’s agree that while we may not all like each other and how we choose to live, we live in a country that accepts us for who we are.