I went to the jail today. I’d been putting it off for a long time, not because I didn’t want to go, but because I hadn’t gotten the discovery from the other side and needed to look at that before I met with the clients. It is, after all, helpful to know what he is accused of before I start formulating a defense. So I waited and waited and finally got some things in on a couple of them and drove out to the facility.

I know, in these pages, I’ve explained jail to you before. I don’t know if I had the words then to describe it to you in any way that can make sense. And I do wish I had folks who had been in jail who would or could express to you what it is like to be locked inside because I don’t know it from that perspective. But I can tell you that as strange as it is to go into a jail, it is even stranger to come out.

I think “wow, the sun is shining” or “there are people getting in their cars” or “that guy is listening to his ipod” and inside it is not like that at all. There are no windows in the housing units. There is no fresh air, fresh music, or cars. There are people who can get phones or drugs or other things, that’s true. But there are ordinary things that are considered contraband like books or stamps and envelopes and well, cigarettes are as bad as cell phones. And yes, you can say to yourself or to me that those people deserve to be punished, they’ve done bad things and don’t deserve to have the pleasures that we have (like stamps and envelopes and books) and it is probably true. People who do bad things need to be punished. I am aware of this. After all, I am a mother of twin boys  and well, need I say more?  And yes, some people need to be separated so they can’t cause more harm. I don’t necessarily disagree with that either. I’m not saying hey, let it go, let them go. Go on forgive and forget. Because, well, the fact is I don’t always forget.

I don’t always forgive.

And I don’t ever want this blog to be a place for hypocrisy.

When I leave the jail I am so grateful for every horrible thing I deal with out here. Seriously. I think you are a total asshole and I am glad I get to sit here and think it. With this window that I can open to let in the 27 degree air. I can go in my car and listen to Taylor Swift and order any book I want and look up and see sky or clouds.

I can see my kids.

In many jails people under 18 are not allowed to visit. My clients don’t see their children. For months.

Ah! Who cares! If they cared about their children they wouldn’t have . . . . (But sometimes that’s why they do it. Sometimes they don’t think of consequences at all. Sometimes they don’t know there are options or don’t see options. And sometimes kids just need to see their dad). What if I told you that today all three clients I saw, not one of them had any sort of relationship with their father. They laugh when I ask if dad ever took them to a ball game. They look ashamed as if somehow they were to blame. You probably don’t care. It isn’t your problem. It’s the problem of ‘those people’ and really, it isn’t my problem either except I want to know.

In some jails my clients are shackled when I see them. Chained to the wall and the floor. I am not afraid of them, never have been. And I hate the atmosphere this chaining creates. Hey master, this guy and I are on the same team. I am one of him and he is one of me. In others they don’t get to have in person visits at all with family. All are done on video. And they have to pay. And, if you say ‘well these people are all guilty! They are bad! Good!” First, you should know most of these places are where people are held before they are convicted (but fuck, who actually believes innocent until proven guilty anyway?) and well, what do you think will happen when they are released? Will they think kindly of our society and how it treated them when they were paying a debt they owed for crimes committed.

Jail always leaves me melancholy and yet I come out with this new, dewy vision of the world. It only lasts a bit though. Until the next time when I have to smell the smells and hear the sounds and the stories. And then I get to leave.

And there is sun. And sky. And Taylor Swift.