My boys are now six years old and their little brains are not so little anymore. They are learning to read – although a little behind their friends they are most motivated to learn to do it so they can read menus and the words on their video games. They are immensely interested in pretend play, drawing and generally being six year old boys. And, along the way we try to teach them things like oh, you know ‘stranger danger’ and ‘private zones’ and generally how to fear people jumping out of bushes or trying to steal them from the strip mall or whatever. You know, typical parenting things. That stuff is easy and we have plenty of help from the world in teaching our kids to be afraid of other people and to make sure that others get the blame when stuff gets screwed up.
The hard part is teaching consequences. Simple unadulterated consequences. You do this, that thing will happen. When the sign says ‘push’ if you pull it won’t open. If your teacher says do your homework if you don’t you will get in trouble, etc. etc. You know, we wonder about the state of the world, our justice system, the general malaise of generation W, X, or Y. But I wonder if it is as simple as people not knowing that if you do fucked up shit, some fucked up shit might happen as a result.
Now, lest you think I am saying if you are a do gooder good karma follows, I want to be clear. People don’t always get what they deserve. There are some very good people who have bad shit happen to them through no fault of their own. The truth, though, is that generally isn’t the case. I mean, it is the case for cancer (sometimes) or being mugged or raped or you know, bad shit like that, but other times it probably is sort of your fault and you probably sort of did something to assist in the consequences that follow.
Most of us are not victims.
Again, in case you didn’t understand that: MOST OF US ARE NOT VICTIMS.
Our criminal justice system is horribly unfair. Not because people are innocent, but because the punishments frequently don’t fit the crime. If you are convicted of murder you do not go on a list somewhere for the rest of your life. If you are convicted of a sex offense, no matter how minor, your name will be on a list with the generic crime you committed for at least fifteen years. I’m sorry, but this isn’t fair. Is it fair that both get punished? Sure, I am not going to say people who commit crimes should not be punished. Even a crazy liberal like me doesn’t think that, but when you make the punishments so incongruous that they absolutely don’t make sense – well, that’s when you start losing people. If I have to shake my head at a sentence and want to stand up and scream “but my other client did something so much worse and he/she got less time!” well, then there is a problem.
And so it is with us in general, in life. And by ‘us’ I mean those of us who do not yet have criminal convictions (but who have probably committed a great many crimes without knowing it, or maybe even knowingly) we have a hard time actually being able to establish consequences that fit the actions. So, if my kid lies to me and what I want is the truth, do I punish him for the lie after he gives me the truth? And if I do that, how does that encourage truth telling in the future? Do I punish my child for not doing his best in something he doesn’t really like, for being mean to his brother (won’t he then look at his brother as a thorn in his side?) How do we do it? How do we let our kids know when something is wrong and to do right when the consequences of the doing wrong are made up by us. We are their justice system.
Look, people do all sorts of bad things and there are direct consequences that we can foresee (those you can file post conviction petitions for; those that we just shrug our shoulders and swallow – the “make your bed” type) and those we just never see coming. For a lot of us we think well getting arrested and going to prison for committing a crime are very obvious consequences like DUH. But I think for our client, frequently, they just didn’t see it coming. The world is so insular and insulated that this just seems like business as usual. And while this isn’t meant to belittle or make light of anything, it probably helps to see why it happens, and why it is so hard to keep people from making the same mistakes over and over again.
You take a drink. You can’t stop. You get drunk. You break things. You drive. You get arrested. You swear you won’t do it again.
You take a drink. You can’t stop. You get drunk. You break things. You drive. You get arrested. You swear you won’t do it again.
You know, we think about civil litigators and the clients they have that are repeat customers – the banks or the corporations big and small. We criminal defense lawyers, we know that ours are one offs – we can’t bank on these guys coming back with repeat business. But really, that’s the hope, isn’t it? That they will learn from their mistakes and we will never read about them or see them or defend them again? But if the lesson is just don’t get caught or the punishment will be disproportionate to what you have done, then what?
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I’ve been thinking about his really in the context of parenting and just being a human being. I’ve written recently about wandering the earth thinking we’ve done good, but without taking the time to really see the impact we’ve had on the world around us. I didn’t even realize people thought about me when I left the room until I was planning my twentieth high school reunion. That shows how much insight I had into my impact on others. But in trying to figure out how to save my kids some money on therapy in the future, I’ve been thinking this is the thing to teach – that if you do good maybe good will come but if you do wrong much more wrongness will follow. Things you don’t anticipate or expect, a terrifying rippling effect that you may not ever be able to stop or control. The extra snowflake or tiny scream that causes the avalanche.
I know it’s been done before and most of us have fared halfway decently. Sure we fall down and get dusted up and maybe have a run in here or there with the law, with our friends or with those we love, but we manage to see another day. And fortunately we see it not behind bars. But how do we make sure? Because really, for my boys all I want is a little certainty. Is that too much to ask?
